Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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