when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
