I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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