I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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