am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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