i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize