my phone needs a breathalizer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We got so high we made milksteak
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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