last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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