Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
