Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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