I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
