Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Drunk is not a location!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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