he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
