my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Someone shattered a urinal.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize