I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
