if i can run in heels then i can drive
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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