My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
