you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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