I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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