I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
