Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
