I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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