My first STD was from a foam party
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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