so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
