some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
