today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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