even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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