I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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