Your face is a jimmy john
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
