No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize