I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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