good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
