Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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