do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
handjob tips. give me some.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
