obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize