the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
