Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
