over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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