she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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