you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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