We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
