bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize