ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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