my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize