It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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