my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
