I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
