By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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