I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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