at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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