Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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