WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
