Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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