Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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