Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
