its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
