That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
