Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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