well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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